Close Your Eyes
by Slave to my Caprices
Summary: songfic, Relena's thoughts on losing Heero to someone else; shounen-ai


Title: Close Your Eyes

Author: Suny

Pairing: onesided R+1, a hint of 1+?+1 (decide for yourself)

Rating: PG

Feedback: pretty please (Sunyakiru@hotmail.com) 

Warnings: Relena-POV (yes that's a warning in my book^^), shounen-ai, some het-actions between Relena and Heero (don't kill me^^)

Notes: I don't like Relena, but you have to give her at least a little credit. She has a great taste in men, if nothing else.^^ But honestly, I wondered what her thoughts and reactions would be, if Heero left her for someone else. This might be a little strange and maybe even disturbing, but read for yourself.

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to someone with money, which cannot be me, since my whole money is spent for dog and horse food.

The song is actually 'Mach die Augen zu' by Die Ärzte, the ultimate punkband, whose music is sadly not available in America. The translation is mine. The song is however very sad and slow, the perfect song when you are left by your boy-/girlfriend and are currently not in the mood to smash something, but to cry.

*******************

I should have seen it. For all the attention I gave you. I should have noticed why you never smiled for me. I saw how you were with him. You were so close, so intimate, but I wrote it off as unimportant. I said to myself, that you were through so much together, had seen so much, that it should only be natural to be close. But you were never that close with the others. Yes, you were talking with them, but you never seemed to share that much with them. They were what you call friends, what others would call acquaintances. But _he_ was different, _he_ got behind your walls. I could see it, but I didn't pay any heed to it, the foolish girl I was. He visited frequently and you always devoted your time to him while I had to stand back. I never said anything, I never objected, but everytime you smiled for him I felt something dying inside of me.

_[Close your eyes and kiss me_

_And then say that you love me._

_I know for sure it is not true, but I feel no difference,_

_When you give yourself up to me.]_

When I found you two, sweating and panting, glowing in the aftermath, I broke down. I suppose you could say that I had known it all along and in a way I did. I felt how distant you were. I knew that you never let me in. But I had wanted so bad to hold you and to feel loved. I could never admit to myself, that you couldn't give that to me. So I ran away from the room. Crying and stumbling on my way outside. I know I heard you curse when you realized what happned. You never curse.

_[Close your eyes and kiss me._

_Go ahead and fool me._

_I forget what happened and I hope and I dream,_

_That I hadn't lost you yet.]_

You came after me that day. Only wearing that ridiculous boxers he got you for christmas. "Kiss me if you can read this" on blue silk. Could there be a clearer sign than that? I was sobbing in the shadows of my unlighted room, while you were standing right beside me, hesitating. I suppose we both didn't know why you came. To comfort me? To explain? To save me again?

_[I don't care,_

_If you really feel something for me:_

_Do what you want!]_

Somehow you did all that and yet none of it. But one thing is clear. One thing still stands out in my mind. You did sacrifice yourself then. You always do that. Never thinking of yourself but doing what you believe to be for the greater good. The only time you broke out of that pattern was when you got involved with him. But you sacrificed yourself again when I clung to you. You did it when I whispered those words.

_[Close your eyes and kiss me,_

_Even if it's the last time._

_Let us delay the moment of good bye._

_Don't leave me alone in my torment yet.]  
  
_

I knew you didn't love me. Didn't love me how I wanted you to. And at that moment I didn't care. I lost myself in you, hoping to never find back. I was drowning in a swirl of false bliss. I drank you from your lips. The pleasure I recieved from your untrue devotion was turning my life upside down. I forgot time and place and meaning. I was floating in my fevered mind, long having lost control. It was me who was panting when you moved your mouth from my bruised lips and began to explore my body. Mixing my sweat with his on your skin.

**  
**_[Close your eyes and kiss me._

_Go ahead and fool me._

_If you want to, you can can go away, but remember,_

Without you, I'm lost.] 

Mostly, I remember your smell. Everything else after that fateful kiss is a blur. We never spoke about what happened that day, but I know, the next morning there was something else to bury beside my hopes and dreams. Something inside you had died as well. You left that day and never came back. You left with him and I was all alone for the burrial.

_  
[I don't care,_

_If you only play with me:_

_Do what you want!]  
  
_

He was good for you, you know? I realized that day, that I could never give you what you needed. Just as you weren't able to fulfill my hopes. I was not strong enough. If even that artificial desire burned me so deep, I would have died in the fire of your true love. He was so much stronger than me. I always wanted to lend from your strength, needed to. But he supported you, helped you where I couldn't. The worst is, that I never realized that you needed someone to help you too before that. I suppose I didn't saw _you_ all that time. I saw what I wanted to see: A figment of my imagination.

And now I lie in my bed, clutching the teddy you gave me and whisper those words again.

  
_[Close your eyes,_

_Close your eyes,_

_Close your eyes and kiss me...]___


End file.
